– the visit

a poem from

walking towards happiness

the lady in black 
always came knocking at my door
since the beginning she appeared
looking for my soul
 
since my childhood
she tried to take me
and i said no
but today
she finally convinced me
to let go
   
so many things happened
since i was born
so many moments
that gave me pain
and denied me love
 
i carry in my heart
the transgressions
that left me undone
and i never forgot her poisonous
cold kisses and her sweet voice
   
i escaped her prison a few times
as she cornered me
from dusk to dawn
 
i beat her in so many marathons
as i ran faster but still
i bit the dust
 
she tried to always trap me
and she never could pay the cost
always insisting
and today i will not fight
so she can take me home
 
i feel no envy
for what i had to endure
all along
i only feel
an immense emptiness
inside my soul
 
i can only say
that my will was always mine
and mine alone
i can smile and feel happy
because i no longer have to run
   
the visit of this lady
only assures me
that it is time to go
she is coming dry and cold
in painful tears
without absolution
 
the visit of death
has not been the best
nor will it be the worst
but with me
i am taking a smile
full of betrayal and confusion  
 
i am taking with me
the mistakes made
wrapped in pain
 
one of many that threw me
without compassion
to the floor
 
i am taking
the clandestine sins
full of heartache
one of many that forced me
to lose my logic and reasoning
 
it forced me to
no longer fight fearless
as i always did before


2019. Adric Ceneri. All right reserved.

– the words of what i feel

a poem from

walking towards happiness

 one night i lost my will to love
and without doubts
my reasoning i drowned
i lost what i never had
all for wanting to forget
and i gave myself to death
without saying goodbye
 
consumed sins in my will to perish
drill my life and take away my feelings
oxidized sins do not force me to live
i only suffer writing the words of what i feel
 
i want to murder my bitter time
destroy it entirely until i see it fades away
i want to go to sleep and never wake up
to be trapped in my disdains of endless loneliness
 
i am no more than a crazy poet
who wants to go to sleep
i want to turn off the light in my eyes
and never again see
i have lived plenty in such short time
i have no reason to breathe
life finished my desire to continue living like this
   
i have lost my entire soul
fighting in this dark hole
in my eternal pedestal
i have lost every hope
i walk exhausted of a life i never asked for
and i will die unsettled
because i could not do more
 
because i let my sins
dominate my whole being
because i escaped
and ran away from my feelings
because i did not fought for what i believed in
because i was so weak
and let my blood ran freely

this eternal time
has poisoned my reasoning
it has corrupted my soul
without any remedy
 
i no longer wish to live
being who i am every morning
i live trapped in my fears
that grow by the minute helplessly
 
i am not who i once was
and i am ready to leave
i truly want to never return to this world
i want to rest in peace
i have lived plenty now i only have pain
hatred and suffering in my veins
 
my desire to live
a life i never asked for
has disappeared
 


2019. Adric Ceneri. All right reserved.

– if you had known

a poem from

walking towards happiness

 if you had known
the consequences to this
you might have done
things differently
 
i do not understand
but i want to believe in you
hoping that all you did
was thinking of my sisters and me
   
i have been mad at you for so long
for abandoning me
blaming you for everything
that happened to me
blaming you for all those insults
taken on me
blaming you for all those times
when people hurt me
blaming you for not having
what a kid needs
since the day you left
i lost everything
   
when you left
my world fell apart
you were my mother
my everything
all i had
i needed you with me
to tell me
everything was going to be alright
 
i needed your love
your company
your hugs
 
but instead
all i had
was the silence of my room
between the walls
   
i cannot remember
why you left me behind
what did i do wrong
for you to walk out of my life
so many times i thought
i was not worthy to be alive
if my own mother left me
who would want
the burden she had
   
today as i try to find forgiveness
being broken inside
i find myself full of resentment
and i hate you for that
i truly hope that saying ‘i forgive you’
helps us both to move on
to start all over
and to begin a life full of happiness
on our own
 
i am no longer that child you left
hurt and alone
i am who writes this to you
saying ‘thank you mom’
thank you for the life you gave your son 
i have learned to be me
to be strong
and now i have reasons
to overcome the past and move on
 


2019. Adric Ceneri. All right reserved.

– wounds

a poem from

walking towards happiness

 if only you knew how much 
the sound of your voice hurts
if only i could ignore your spoken words
 
you pushed me away
when you danced on my wounds
you ended up alone
and i was left with an empty soul
 
you are the person who gave me life
but this resentment is something
you just cannot erase
between you and me there is only pain
deep wounds i wish one day
will heal themselves

many times i promised
to ask forgiveness to you and myself
cold and long nights of abandonment
in my corner space
so many times i awaited your return
but it never came
people sentenced me for being the gay orphan
it was my fate
 
biblical stories filled me with horror
ignorance and violence
deprived me of a better world
from one place to the other
without love or compassion
always asking myself if that was the will of the lord
   
i feel alone
with my soul full of rage
time has not cured
my deep wounds
it has only
intensified my pain
 
time has only
wither my joy
it has broken to pieces
my spirit and my hopes


2019. Adric Ceneri. All right reserved.